CISTERCIAN WOODS - December 5, 2002

December 5, 2002

Once a certain anxious person, who oftentimes wavered between hope and fear, once overcome with sadness, threw himself upon the ground before one of the altars in the church and thinking these things in his mind said, “Oh, if only I knew how to persevere,” that very instant he heard within him this heavenly answer: “And if you did know this, what would you do? Do now what you would do and you shall be perfectly secure.”

(Imitation of Christ, Book 1, Chapter 25)

Yesterday at table I asked Billy if he’s looking forward to going to Spain. “I don’t look forward” he said, “I just live in the present.” “I don’t agree with that” said Fidelma “it’s important to look forward.”

There’s this tension in me, in all of us I suppose, between living in the present and the whole thing of expectant anticipation which is part of Advent. Perhaps what we need to get rid of is the kind of anxious looking forward which is so much part of us.

The way forward, the path to follow, can only be revealed

Within our attentive presence to the present moment.

(Daniel O’Leary, Travelling Light, p.34)

The stars glittered in the dark frosty morning sky, the morning star being particularly bright. When the sun came up a veil of white frost lay upon the grass,  fog lingered on the river and the flood waters had turned to ice. It was time to tramp through the fields over the hardened mud and through the woods again contemplating withered leaves underfoot, leaves dying into the earth.

We are all like withered leaves

And our sins blow us away like the wind…

(Isaiah)

Take time to enter into the image of the withered leaf.

…in your weakness and failure you feel helpless and afraid.

It is good to let these feelings come to us at times.

They bring us down to earth, rid us of our stupid pride.

And, most of all, they open us up to the awareness of something greater.

(Tony Flannery, Waiting In Hope, pp.13-14)

We were leaves on top of a fresh tree, still full of sap, still green with the light of the sun shining through us, the light of God shining in us. And then we withered, beaten by the wind, blown away and falling down, dry brown then wet brown on the winter ground, trampled underfoot, trampled into earth again.

Contemplating the withered leaves as I walked I thought of the spirit of timidity which is part of my nature. What is the opposite of timidity? Whatever it is I need more of it even though I’m not half as timid as I used to be.

God did not give us a spirit of timidity but

The Spirit of power and love and self-control 

(2 Timothy 1,7)

Timid souls take heart 

(from the antiphon for Vespers)

***

At lunch Billy and Fidelma told us how the British tabloids ran a story about them when they were married - the story was that a monk, Billy, had jumped over the monastery wall to marry this young girl. The truth is that Billy was a novice here 40 years ago but he left after the noviciate.

For afternoon tea I was with Fergus, a Dublin business man who joined us yesterday. He was telling me how he was sorted out here 10 years ago - or is still being sorted out as he corrected. We’re all still being sorted. Sitting with him had the feeling of being in a home for the recovering sick and I am one of the recovering sick. A startling thought because up till then I felt I was better but I realized in that moment that I’m still not fully well, though much better than I was two months ago.

During my afternoon walk I came on Br. Peter who was climbing through a wire fence, having settled his donkey for the night. We stood by his crib which is made of plastic bags tied in tent shape to a tree. The figures are made out of paper. Our Lady, Joseph and Jesus are lying down on the hay together. It looks very snug. He said a lot of Travellers come to the crib to pray.

Peter came here from Enniskillen 47 years ago after his girlfriend refused to marry him. She also joined a convent and they are still in touch. Before coming here he worked for 15 years as a rep for Beleek china and Galway was one of his favourite places. He delivered china to Glynn’s shop. It’s no longer there but the mention of it brought its smell back to me and going to visit Santa there.

He is renowned here for his poverty and his childlike paintings which he sells to make money for the poor. To look at he’s very scruffy with a wild head of hair and a beard and eyes that are pure blue and sparkling.

Sr. Carmel Donnelly from Newport has come here for the weekend. Good to see her.

There is not a more troublesome or worrisome enemy to the soul

Than yourself when you are not agreeing with the spirit.

(Imitation of Christ, Book 3, Chapter 13)