CISTERCIAN WOOD - December 4, 2002

December 4, 2002

And Israel shall dwell in confidence 

(Jeremiah)

Where has the day gone? I’m still a bit awkward about being in choir with the monks - wondering what the other non-monks in the church might be thinking; wondering do the monks mind; is the monk to my right irritated by my uncertain presence; does an tAthar Ciaran see through to my unworthy soul as he looks across from the other side??? So, an inner voice tells me to learn to live with the fact that people might not like me being up in the choir.  Learn to live with not being liked, not being understood, to live even with being rejected. These thoughts connect not only with here but most of all with all the people I’m trying to please in life. I didn’t think I was trying to please anyone much but here in this place I realize I am. And it’s no use. But it’s also painful to think that I could lose people who matter to me if I don’t continue pleasing.

After Mass this morning Br. Peter came to shake my hand, without a word but with a beautiful smile and twinkling eyes. He doesn’t give a damn about what anyone thinks. He’s at that stage of age when he hums at odd times without knowing he’s doing it. It happens in the middle of Mass. This evening in the empty choir before Compline he was humming “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” and it was lovely. I believe he still hangs out around the farmyard so I must go down to see him.

It was a lovely crisp day all day. After my walk this morning Fr. Nivard came to have a coffee with me just to see was I ok and to remind me that I needn’t get up in the mornings if I don’t feel like it and to feel free to go to Thurles if I need to. I don’t want to! But I might need to go out sometime.

In the afternoon I slept for three hours. It’ll ruin my night. Derry had sent me a book in the post and it arrived before lunch so I got into bed with it to get warm and - zonk! The book is called Travelling Light by Daniel O’Leary and it contains 31 meditations. We’ll see how it goes. It looks a bit new agey! But I do need to travel lighter.

This evening we were joined by two new guests, both men from Dublin. Conversation with Billy, Fidelma and I was beginning to run a bit thin so it helps to have others to add to the mix.

At the end of Compline when the lights in the church go off, with just one spot on the statue of Our Lady, and the Salve Regina is sung - I might just be in heaven.