CISTERCIAN WOODS - December 5, 2002
December 5, 2002
Once a certain anxious person, who oftentimes wavered between hope
and fear, once overcome with sadness, threw himself upon the ground before one
of the altars in the church and thinking these things in his mind said, “Oh, if
only I knew how to persevere,” that very instant he heard within him this
heavenly answer: “And if you did know this, what would you do? Do now what you
would do and you shall be perfectly secure.”
(Imitation of Christ, Book 1, Chapter 25)
Yesterday at table I asked Billy if he’s looking forward to going
to Spain. “I don’t look forward” he said, “I just live in the present.” “I
don’t agree with that” said Fidelma “it’s important to look forward.”
There’s this tension in me, in all of us I suppose, between living
in the present and the whole thing of expectant anticipation which is part of
Advent. Perhaps what we need to get rid of is the kind of anxious looking
forward which is so much part of us.
The way forward, the path to follow, can only be revealed
Within our attentive presence to the present moment.
(Daniel O’Leary, Travelling Light, p.34)
The stars glittered in the dark frosty morning sky, the morning
star being particularly bright. When the sun came up a veil of white frost lay
upon the grass, fog lingered on the
river and the flood waters had turned to ice. It was time to tramp through the
fields over the hardened mud and through the woods again contemplating withered
leaves underfoot, leaves dying into the earth.
We are all like withered leaves
And our sins blow us away like the wind…
(Isaiah)
Take time to enter into the image of the withered leaf.
…in your weakness and failure you feel helpless and afraid.
It is good to let these feelings come to us at times.
They bring us down to earth, rid us of our stupid pride.
And, most of all, they open us up to the awareness of something
greater.
(Tony Flannery, Waiting In Hope, pp.13-14)
We were leaves on top of a fresh tree, still full of sap, still
green with the light of the sun shining through us, the light of God shining in
us. And then we withered, beaten by the wind, blown away and falling down, dry
brown then wet brown on the winter ground, trampled underfoot, trampled into
earth again.
Contemplating the withered leaves as I walked I thought of the
spirit of timidity which is part of my nature. What is the opposite of
timidity? Whatever it is I need more of it even though I’m not half as timid as
I used to be.
God did not give us a spirit of timidity but
The Spirit of power and love and self-control
(2 Timothy 1,7)
Timid souls take heart
(from the antiphon for Vespers)
***
At lunch Billy and Fidelma told us how the British tabloids ran a
story about them when they were married - the story was that a monk, Billy, had
jumped over the monastery wall to marry this young girl. The truth is that
Billy was a novice here 40 years ago but he left after the noviciate.
For afternoon tea I was with Fergus, a Dublin business man who
joined us yesterday. He was telling me how he was sorted out here 10 years ago
- or is still being sorted out as he corrected. We’re all still being sorted.
Sitting with him had the feeling of being in a home for the recovering sick and
I am one of the recovering sick. A startling thought because up till then I
felt I was better but I realized in that moment that I’m still not fully well,
though much better than I was two months ago.
During my afternoon walk I came on Br. Peter who was climbing
through a wire fence, having settled his donkey for the night. We stood by his
crib which is made of plastic bags tied in tent shape to a tree. The figures
are made out of paper. Our Lady, Joseph and Jesus are lying down on the hay
together. It looks very snug. He said a lot of Travellers come to the crib to
pray.
Peter came here from Enniskillen 47 years ago after his girlfriend
refused to marry him. She also joined a convent and they are still in touch.
Before coming here he worked for 15 years as a rep for Beleek china and Galway
was one of his favourite places. He delivered china to Glynn’s shop. It’s no
longer there but the mention of it brought its smell back to me and going to
visit Santa there.
He is renowned here for his poverty and his childlike paintings
which he sells to make money for the poor. To look at he’s very scruffy with a
wild head of hair and a beard and eyes that are pure blue and sparkling.
Sr. Carmel Donnelly from Newport has come here for the weekend.
Good to see her.
There is not a more troublesome or worrisome enemy to the soul
Than yourself when you are not agreeing with the spirit.
(Imitation of Christ, Book 3, Chapter 13)
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